Time for another post since I haven't been doing much of that lately.

So so much is going on right now. I have been so cranky and miserable and it's hit a peak this week.... hopefully it won't plateau!

Number one on the list is money. I hate the summers because of our lack of money because I don't work. I'm going to go out this week and fill out some more applications, but it sort of seems pointless because school will be starting next month. Either way, money is causing a huge problem in my life right now.
Yes, we are making the bills but we don't have much left over after that. And yes, it is causing a problem with my relationship with my husband. Don't go and get worried (or be happy if you don't like me ;-) I think this will eventually blow over and Aaron and I will be happy with each other again as soon as I start to work again.

The problem with not working besides not having money, is that I have nothing to do all day. Cleaning is not something I look forward to... so it doesn't count. I love doing the work that I do. I would love it even more if I were an actual licensed teacher, but for now it will do.. and I love it. I miss working. I miss teaching. I miss my life. Right now it really truely feels like I have no life. My conversations have turn to complaining instead of recounting the interesting things that happened during the day ( and boy does it get pretty interesting teaching a new group of kids each day). I actually really don't like complaining. When I do complain it does help me to feel better because I actually was able to get it out, but I prefer to be laughing during my conversations. Aaron use to be able to do that for me... but right now we are sort of disconnected. I'm angry, and stressed, and sad.. and when he makes it a joke.. I get annoyed, which in turn annoys him because he just wanted me to laugh. This happened last summer, and I know that it will eventually go back to normal, but it seems like so far away.

From my past posts, something that was weighing me down was the death of my stepfather. Recently those thoughts have turned into thoughts about my own father. There is much about his death that I don't know. What I do know is that he commited suicide, and that he carried it out by shooting himself. I'm very curious about where he shot himself, what he shot himself with, and why he shot himself. That last question is one that I don't think I'll ever get to know, but I've thought about it alot. And these thoughts don't help my state of mind at the present moment either, because it puts my into a grumpy sad mood. And my Papa being so sick pushes me futher into that mood.

My family is also very grumpy to each other over this whole situation. While it may not be the best decision and I may even regret it later, I have reach a conclusion that I can't go see my Papa when the majority of my family is there. I want the time that is left with my Papa to be special to me.. and my family ruins it... this also doesn't help my mood.

And.. last night I felt the snowball effect of my current situation. This new feelings are mine though.. and will not be written here.

On a good note though, I have felt very creative lately. Some projects that have always just seemed a little to out of grasp for my imagination have come into focus, and plans have been made. My creativity has always lifted my spirits.. maybe because it make me feel accomplished, gives me something to do, and makes me feel unique... or maybe it's just because I like it... ;-)

I believe I mentioned it in another post but I was working on a blanket... it's a present that I won't tell anyone who it is for yet... I've had to put it on hold. I'm actually quite sad about that. I went to the store yesterday and they didn't have anymore of the yarn that I needed and they didn't know when they would get it back in. I've checked other stores and none around here have the same color. Worse comes to worse I can always buy it online, but it is more expensive and then I have to pay for shipping. I am determined to finish it though.. and I got a wonderful card to go with it!
So, I've started to work on another present. This one I will say what it is. It is a pretty pink shawl that I am going to give away for Christmas. I have the perfect person in mind for it, and I know she'll love it because she loves pink and she's perfect for this type of shawl. Maybe I'll scan the picture and put it up here next time I'm around a scanner.

Well, I might as well end this on that happy note because now I'm feeling much more up lifted and now I want to work on that shawl.

I said goodbye to 23 and hello to 24. Before you ask... it doesn't feel any different. ;-)

This weekend started out horrible... I mean, I don't know how I was strong enough not to break down into tears and try to crawl away horrible. Maybe because I was lucky enough to reconnect with a friend that I needed a little more than a week ago.
Friday was the funeral. Forever I will always have the sharp, clear image of a mother grieving her oldest son.. and I pray to God with all my heart that that image will never be my future. My grandmother (step-family) has been very strong and not shed a tear in front of us since we saw her for the first time in over 10 years over a week ago, and she tried to be strong at the funeral, but ended up breaking down.

I have to be honest.... part of me didn't want to go to the funeral.. and part of me at the funeral felt a very strong urge to open that casket and look inside. But anyway, back to my grandmother. When it was time to put a rose on the casket my grandmother was the first one. She went up to it and kissed it and then sprawl her upperbody on top of it and started whispering to it. I heard her sobbing and my grandfather started to sob and then I started to cry. This immense pain came over me for them. Losing your child has to be the hardest thing I've ever seen, and the worse part for me is that I felt like I could feel their pain.
AJ was very good at the funeral.. only started to whine at the very end.
Then my day got worse... it was hot and AJ was running all over the place. We decided that it was time to leave and as I was saying goodbye I noticed that my brothers had forgotten to watch AJ for me. I turned around and my heart stopped... I couldn't see AJ.. and then when I did he was a step away from the street. That was sooo scary.
Then on the way home, it started to pour. Bryan's car broke down... we were able to make it to a rest stop... it was pouring and I got soaked running back and forth between the cars, restroom, and covered bench. AJ woke up very cranky from being in a car for a lot of the day.
Laura came to pick me up, but in the end it was too late to make it to my job interview, and even though I called them and sent Heather over there.. they won't be calling me back.
I went to a "birthday dinner" as we made our way home.. and I guess I misunderstood because I ended up having to pay for myself and AJ... and in the end she had forgotten her debit card so I had to pay for everyone with my bill money.
Everything just didn't go the way that I wanted them too... horrible horrible day....

Saturday I didn't do much, but Heather took me out for a birthday lunch that I didn't have to pay for, and it was a lot of fun.

Yesterday... I spent most of the day with Heather and Thomas. We went to the pool and AJ and I got a little burnt. Heather and I played scrabble... she won by 3 points. We went grocery shopping, and then sat and talked for awhile. I had a very good day that day... more fun than I've had in awhile.

So.. that brings me to today. Not much planned. I have to clean and that's about it.

Not much has really been going on besides the death of my stepfather. His funeral is on Friday, and everything about it is starting to annoy me. First, that my mother chose her pastor when I think it is completely inappropriate. Second, that she wants me to help write "nice things" about a man that I haven't known in over ten years and can barely remember when he and our family was happy. Yes, I know that this post sounds a lot different from the last one, but my emotions have flipped I think.
I don't hate him anymore, but honestly my memories of him are not great. Memories that are good.. I can't even say if they are truely memories or stories that I've been told. Not even my mother can think of anything... she called to ask if I was baptised with him. Um... no, lol.
I don't really know how I feel anymore. I know that I feel bad that some people die unnoticed. I feel bad that he died wrapped up in his alcoholism and alone. I feel bad for his family who either tried their hardest to help him or didn't even get to know him at all. I hope that he didn't die in pain, and I know that where he is is much better for him than he could ever have here on earth. I just can't say anything nice about him, and it makes me feel bad.
Another thing is that I got another job interview for a movie store. The interview is right after the funeral. Well, not right after but with driving back and if my grandparents want to eat.. we might have a hard time getting back in time. I did tell the person that I'm interviewing with what I'm going to do, so I hope that she understands if I'm a little late, but I doubt she will... and that will be just another thing to hold against him.
Anyway.. my blog has gone from happy to angsty and I'm sorry about that... maybe soon it will go back to normal...

Normal???

In an effort to somewhat normalize (if that isn't a word.. it is now lol) my life and AJ's life, I set an alarm clock this morning. Not early, but to make sure that I got up when it was still morning. I took my temp so that I can get my charting down again. I've started to temp again last week and only missed one day.. the day that I woke up to my mother telling me about my stepfather. So, I'm hoping to continue with my chart so that if my period is starting to come back to normal, in acouple of months my charts will be able to tell me when I'm most likely to ovulate so that Aaron and I won't become one of those couples that is constantly trying to have a baby and sex isn't fun anymore.
AJ woke up around the same time I did and I made him breakfast and then I took a shower and got dressed. It is my hope that even if I don't find a job for the summer that AJ and I will be able to form a routine that has him going to bed at a reasonable time and both of us wake up at a reasonable time, and also so that I'll have the energy to get up and clean the house and to start exercising again.
This is very important to me because I've found that I've started to go crazy and I can't even remember what day it is anymore.
Waking up this morning and taking a shower right away and getting dressed has definitely made me feel more awake and ready to start my day. It was not unusual for me to stay in my pajamas for most of the day and I wouldn't get dressed until I had to take Aaron to work... sometimes I didn't even get dressed for that. So, my hope is that starting this morning routine will help normalize our lives. After my morning routine is down, I'll start an afternoon routine. I'm hoping that by the end of the month AJ is back on his schedule and my house will be somewhat clean and organized.
I started a new project as well. Last night by big project was to get the laundry done.. or at least in a managable state. Heather and I had a "laundry party". Really all it was, was both of us doing laundry at our own houses and we each knew it lol. But, I had to go to Walmart last night to get a few things and I decided since I stuck with it, I would reward myself. So, I found a pattern for a blanket that I thought was really pretty and I have the perfect person and reason to give that blanket away when it is done. This tends to be my problem and why I haven't been as crafty as I normally am. I don't want to make something if I can't figure out who to give it to or if it won't go well in my own house. So, when I look through patterns and things like that I think about people who might like it, and I found something that would work... I found the perfect color of yarn... and I started it last night. That really is all the detail I'll give for now, and as time goes by I'll probably take some pictures of it and post it. Then when I'm done I'll make a post about who it is for and what the special occasion is.
I like doing projects and incorporating them into my cleaning schedule. It's sort of a little game that I play. I'll clean for a set about of time or do a set amount of tasks and then I'll work on another part of my project. So, I hope that this will also help me with my cleaning.

Well.. sitting here typing out my blog isn't exactly cleaning I guess ;-) I have to get some of that done before AJ's WIC appointment this afternoon. We also might be traveling to Gainesville this evening but it isn't for sure just yet. Tata

I took the trip to visit my grandparents today. I took AJ, Bryan, Robert, and Jonathan with me. I wish that Michael would have been able to go but there was no room left in the car.

I saw my stepfather's house, the place where he was found, the place that he went to everyday to make sure he was ok, where he went shopping, and we even met his "roommate" who Bryan was going to beat up... and we were finally able to get him to leave. Apparently, he wasn't a room mate but just a leech that was taking advantage of him and helping him find ways to drink.

We spent a good portion of the afternoon listening to my grandparents telling us about his life from the moment we left up until the moment that he was found. I'm not sure what I put in my other post, but my mother misunderstood some of the information. Apparently, he went missing last Thursday and was found on Monday. They have known all week, but were waiting to tell us because they wanted to tell us what killed him. They were unable to tell us though because toxicology reports can sometimes take months.

I do have to say that I did come back tonight feeling better than when I left this morning. I know that he saw the pictures of AJ. We aren't sure if he ever did get to watch my wedding video. Apparently, he was very adamant about not watching it until he was able to get the sound working so that he could hear everything that I was saying. I do wish that I would have been able to tell him that the sound isn't going to work but the video sucks.. but hopefully.. he gave in and watched it. I don't know though, and I am at peace with him seeing just the pictures.

It was nice to spend time with my grandparents and talk to them. Really it was like ten years hadn't just passed and they saw us just yesterday. It was really nice though! I'm thankful that I was able to follow through with my decision to go see them on such short notice. I hope that when it comes time for the funeral the rest of his family won't hold grudges.

Yesterday, through out the day I was plagued with thoughts of my stepfather. Things that he had done that he shouldn't have. Memories of his alcoholism... and of times when we were happy. I kept thinking to myself, why am I thinking about him? What brought it on? I was actually going to call my mom and talk to her, but I wasn't feeling well and decided to take a nap instead.


Now... I don't know the reasoning behind my thoughts yesterday. But, today, my mother called to give me news about him. I didn't know it was coming either.

My stepfather went missing on Thursday, he's done this before, but no one tells us because we aren't in contact with him. Apparently, he hadn't gotten a hold of his alcoholism. He was still doing things like drinking mouthwash and getting other people to buy alcohol for him. On Thursday, he told his roommate that he was going for a walk, which wasn't out of the ordinary for him. He didn't return, which was. They found him yesterday, close to his house, in a bush. They've done an autopsy but that won't be back for a little while. What they think happened is that he was drinking, went for a walk... maybe went for a walk to drink but I believe his roommate knew he wasn't suppose to drink... He may have gotten sleepy and laid down in the bush to sleep, where he passed away.

Some people would say good riddance because of the things in his past. I don't feel that way. I feel horrible. This man that I called my daddy for a long time died a lone in a bush. His alcoholism was so bad that help from other people didn't work. I wish that he were able to have kicked that habit... that I would have been more open to talking to him. I harbored resentment for a long time. I should have let that go, and let him see his grandson. He never asked though, and I pray to God that he got those pictures that I sent to him just a few weeks ago. My heart and mind need to know that he saw those pictures, but I'm afraid to call my grandparents. I tried to call them once before, but someone who sounded like my grandfather said that there was no one by that name there.

I guess what this post comes down to is... no matter what this man's past was... I am mourning his death.

Sickness, Weirdness and Sadness

Sickness: I have a cold. Thank you AJ! I don't know how he got his but it seems to have stuck me 10x harder than it did him. I have a constant headache... something crazy is my whole mouth hurts too. My neck and lower back hurt. Basically everything hurts. I can't breathe, and my eyes are watery. I also have a cough that doesn't help when I feel the need to cough. I hope hope hope it goes away very very soon.

Weirdness: I just read an article about a woman who is not in ICU because of her 6th revirgination. And... she was doing it for her husband every year for their anniversary. Comeon... one maybe two times I guess I can understand, but SIX times?!? Why does your husband need to deflower you every year? She also went into this last surgery knowing that it could make her sick, but she did it anyway. Some people are crazy!

Sadness: My Papa has been given about 8 to 9 months left to live. As sad as this makes me to say it.. I don't think that it will be that long. They have not done a scan of his brain, and honestly I think his cancer has spread there. They have found his cancer in his stomach and also has grown more in his adrenal gland (I think). We are celebrating father's day with him on Sunday. My family has never celebrated father's day together.. and while it has not been said.. I think that they are doing this because this will probably be his last father's day with us.

I can't even fathom how my Nana feels. Being forced to watch your husband die in front of your own eyes. It take a strong woman to do that, and she is taking steps to make sure that she is there for him at all times. She's decided that she'll be quitting her job. I think that would probably be what I would do if I were in the same situation and if I were financially able to do that. Aaron says that the feelings are different between old people and young people. I don't think that I agree though. I think that the feeling would be the same... and not necessarily stronger either way. I would think that an old couple that has been together along time would have the same feelings as a couple who has been together only a short amount of time. The young couple is freshly and probably fiercely in love. The older couple has probably become use to having one another around, to the point where it would be hard to imagine a life without one another. Either way it would be losing someone that you love dearly, and no matter the age no one should downplay the hurt.

I don't like that we've been given a time frame. In a way, I'm grateful that we know, but now it feels like we'll be counting down. We'll be watching for him to get worse and looking at the calendar saying.. yep it's about that time. My Papa is not the only grandfather that I have, but he is the one that I'm closest with.

I don't like going to see him. When I walk through the doors of the nursing home the smell makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've actually been to a nursing home when I was younger that smelled of uring and other nastiness. This one doesn't smell like that.. but it's a smell I can't describe, maybe it is in my head. As I walk down the hallway to his room, I see a wheelchair-bound person in most of the doorways just sitting there staring at me. I try to smile at each one of them, but my heart start to hurt thinking about what happens when we get old. My Papa usually gives me a smile and a hug when I walk into his room, that is... if he is feeling well enought and is awake. The last time I went to see him, I brought my laptop and the dvd of my wedding. Even though the sound is horrible and I knew he wouldn't be able to hear it, I thought that he would have liked to see it. He kept telling me he wished he could go, and then I felt bad for not having a wedding that my grandfather could have gone too. He also would be talking to me but out of nowhere would stop... you'd see his eyes just zone out... his lips would still be moving but no sound would come out... and then he'd look at me like I was suppose to be answering his question. He did that about every 5 minutes that I was there.. and after about 45 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. The horrible person that I am.. I told him that I loved him, I gave him a hug, and I told him that he was very tired and probably needed to go to sleep now... he agreed and I left. I should have spent more time with him, but I am scared to death of seeing him like that. Zoning out, swollen hands, arms, feet, and legs... he's keeps falling out of bed, and so they put him in a mattress with sides on it.. he thinks it is his coffin. It's not right... no one should have to live like that. On the verge of dying and losing their mind from their pain and disease... I don't understand why my uncle wants all this medical intervention. He is fighting to keep someone alive who is being eaten away by cancer. It's inhumane.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want my Papa to die. If I had my choice... he wouldn't.. but I don't want him to live in pain with a disease that cannot be cured. Maybe I don't understand the medical aspects of it all, maybe I don't understand what his children are going through, maybe I'm ignorant or stupid... but I just know that I love him so much and it hurts me to think that I can't even go see him because I'm scared to see him die. He came so close that one night... and it was frightening... I tried to be strong and calm that night, but I can't do it again.

It is enough to make you wonder why God would allow this to happen. Some people say that it is sin and Satan that causes the bad. It's just that good people and even bad people.. they should suffer when they die. Because all it causes is suffering in the people who have to watch it.