Sickness, Weirdness and Sadness

Sickness: I have a cold. Thank you AJ! I don't know how he got his but it seems to have stuck me 10x harder than it did him. I have a constant headache... something crazy is my whole mouth hurts too. My neck and lower back hurt. Basically everything hurts. I can't breathe, and my eyes are watery. I also have a cough that doesn't help when I feel the need to cough. I hope hope hope it goes away very very soon.

Weirdness: I just read an article about a woman who is not in ICU because of her 6th revirgination. And... she was doing it for her husband every year for their anniversary. Comeon... one maybe two times I guess I can understand, but SIX times?!? Why does your husband need to deflower you every year? She also went into this last surgery knowing that it could make her sick, but she did it anyway. Some people are crazy!

Sadness: My Papa has been given about 8 to 9 months left to live. As sad as this makes me to say it.. I don't think that it will be that long. They have not done a scan of his brain, and honestly I think his cancer has spread there. They have found his cancer in his stomach and also has grown more in his adrenal gland (I think). We are celebrating father's day with him on Sunday. My family has never celebrated father's day together.. and while it has not been said.. I think that they are doing this because this will probably be his last father's day with us.

I can't even fathom how my Nana feels. Being forced to watch your husband die in front of your own eyes. It take a strong woman to do that, and she is taking steps to make sure that she is there for him at all times. She's decided that she'll be quitting her job. I think that would probably be what I would do if I were in the same situation and if I were financially able to do that. Aaron says that the feelings are different between old people and young people. I don't think that I agree though. I think that the feeling would be the same... and not necessarily stronger either way. I would think that an old couple that has been together along time would have the same feelings as a couple who has been together only a short amount of time. The young couple is freshly and probably fiercely in love. The older couple has probably become use to having one another around, to the point where it would be hard to imagine a life without one another. Either way it would be losing someone that you love dearly, and no matter the age no one should downplay the hurt.

I don't like that we've been given a time frame. In a way, I'm grateful that we know, but now it feels like we'll be counting down. We'll be watching for him to get worse and looking at the calendar saying.. yep it's about that time. My Papa is not the only grandfather that I have, but he is the one that I'm closest with.

I don't like going to see him. When I walk through the doors of the nursing home the smell makes me feel sick to my stomach. I've actually been to a nursing home when I was younger that smelled of uring and other nastiness. This one doesn't smell like that.. but it's a smell I can't describe, maybe it is in my head. As I walk down the hallway to his room, I see a wheelchair-bound person in most of the doorways just sitting there staring at me. I try to smile at each one of them, but my heart start to hurt thinking about what happens when we get old. My Papa usually gives me a smile and a hug when I walk into his room, that is... if he is feeling well enought and is awake. The last time I went to see him, I brought my laptop and the dvd of my wedding. Even though the sound is horrible and I knew he wouldn't be able to hear it, I thought that he would have liked to see it. He kept telling me he wished he could go, and then I felt bad for not having a wedding that my grandfather could have gone too. He also would be talking to me but out of nowhere would stop... you'd see his eyes just zone out... his lips would still be moving but no sound would come out... and then he'd look at me like I was suppose to be answering his question. He did that about every 5 minutes that I was there.. and after about 45 minutes I couldn't take it anymore. The horrible person that I am.. I told him that I loved him, I gave him a hug, and I told him that he was very tired and probably needed to go to sleep now... he agreed and I left. I should have spent more time with him, but I am scared to death of seeing him like that. Zoning out, swollen hands, arms, feet, and legs... he's keeps falling out of bed, and so they put him in a mattress with sides on it.. he thinks it is his coffin. It's not right... no one should have to live like that. On the verge of dying and losing their mind from their pain and disease... I don't understand why my uncle wants all this medical intervention. He is fighting to keep someone alive who is being eaten away by cancer. It's inhumane.

Don't get me wrong... I don't want my Papa to die. If I had my choice... he wouldn't.. but I don't want him to live in pain with a disease that cannot be cured. Maybe I don't understand the medical aspects of it all, maybe I don't understand what his children are going through, maybe I'm ignorant or stupid... but I just know that I love him so much and it hurts me to think that I can't even go see him because I'm scared to see him die. He came so close that one night... and it was frightening... I tried to be strong and calm that night, but I can't do it again.

It is enough to make you wonder why God would allow this to happen. Some people say that it is sin and Satan that causes the bad. It's just that good people and even bad people.. they should suffer when they die. Because all it causes is suffering in the people who have to watch it.