Yesterday, through out the day I was plagued with thoughts of my stepfather. Things that he had done that he shouldn't have. Memories of his alcoholism... and of times when we were happy. I kept thinking to myself, why am I thinking about him? What brought it on? I was actually going to call my mom and talk to her, but I wasn't feeling well and decided to take a nap instead.


Now... I don't know the reasoning behind my thoughts yesterday. But, today, my mother called to give me news about him. I didn't know it was coming either.

My stepfather went missing on Thursday, he's done this before, but no one tells us because we aren't in contact with him. Apparently, he hadn't gotten a hold of his alcoholism. He was still doing things like drinking mouthwash and getting other people to buy alcohol for him. On Thursday, he told his roommate that he was going for a walk, which wasn't out of the ordinary for him. He didn't return, which was. They found him yesterday, close to his house, in a bush. They've done an autopsy but that won't be back for a little while. What they think happened is that he was drinking, went for a walk... maybe went for a walk to drink but I believe his roommate knew he wasn't suppose to drink... He may have gotten sleepy and laid down in the bush to sleep, where he passed away.

Some people would say good riddance because of the things in his past. I don't feel that way. I feel horrible. This man that I called my daddy for a long time died a lone in a bush. His alcoholism was so bad that help from other people didn't work. I wish that he were able to have kicked that habit... that I would have been more open to talking to him. I harbored resentment for a long time. I should have let that go, and let him see his grandson. He never asked though, and I pray to God that he got those pictures that I sent to him just a few weeks ago. My heart and mind need to know that he saw those pictures, but I'm afraid to call my grandparents. I tried to call them once before, but someone who sounded like my grandfather said that there was no one by that name there.

I guess what this post comes down to is... no matter what this man's past was... I am mourning his death.