Time for another post since I haven't been doing much of that lately.

So so much is going on right now. I have been so cranky and miserable and it's hit a peak this week.... hopefully it won't plateau!

Number one on the list is money. I hate the summers because of our lack of money because I don't work. I'm going to go out this week and fill out some more applications, but it sort of seems pointless because school will be starting next month. Either way, money is causing a huge problem in my life right now.
Yes, we are making the bills but we don't have much left over after that. And yes, it is causing a problem with my relationship with my husband. Don't go and get worried (or be happy if you don't like me ;-) I think this will eventually blow over and Aaron and I will be happy with each other again as soon as I start to work again.

The problem with not working besides not having money, is that I have nothing to do all day. Cleaning is not something I look forward to... so it doesn't count. I love doing the work that I do. I would love it even more if I were an actual licensed teacher, but for now it will do.. and I love it. I miss working. I miss teaching. I miss my life. Right now it really truely feels like I have no life. My conversations have turn to complaining instead of recounting the interesting things that happened during the day ( and boy does it get pretty interesting teaching a new group of kids each day). I actually really don't like complaining. When I do complain it does help me to feel better because I actually was able to get it out, but I prefer to be laughing during my conversations. Aaron use to be able to do that for me... but right now we are sort of disconnected. I'm angry, and stressed, and sad.. and when he makes it a joke.. I get annoyed, which in turn annoys him because he just wanted me to laugh. This happened last summer, and I know that it will eventually go back to normal, but it seems like so far away.

From my past posts, something that was weighing me down was the death of my stepfather. Recently those thoughts have turned into thoughts about my own father. There is much about his death that I don't know. What I do know is that he commited suicide, and that he carried it out by shooting himself. I'm very curious about where he shot himself, what he shot himself with, and why he shot himself. That last question is one that I don't think I'll ever get to know, but I've thought about it alot. And these thoughts don't help my state of mind at the present moment either, because it puts my into a grumpy sad mood. And my Papa being so sick pushes me futher into that mood.

My family is also very grumpy to each other over this whole situation. While it may not be the best decision and I may even regret it later, I have reach a conclusion that I can't go see my Papa when the majority of my family is there. I want the time that is left with my Papa to be special to me.. and my family ruins it... this also doesn't help my mood.

And.. last night I felt the snowball effect of my current situation. This new feelings are mine though.. and will not be written here.

On a good note though, I have felt very creative lately. Some projects that have always just seemed a little to out of grasp for my imagination have come into focus, and plans have been made. My creativity has always lifted my spirits.. maybe because it make me feel accomplished, gives me something to do, and makes me feel unique... or maybe it's just because I like it... ;-)

I believe I mentioned it in another post but I was working on a blanket... it's a present that I won't tell anyone who it is for yet... I've had to put it on hold. I'm actually quite sad about that. I went to the store yesterday and they didn't have anymore of the yarn that I needed and they didn't know when they would get it back in. I've checked other stores and none around here have the same color. Worse comes to worse I can always buy it online, but it is more expensive and then I have to pay for shipping. I am determined to finish it though.. and I got a wonderful card to go with it!
So, I've started to work on another present. This one I will say what it is. It is a pretty pink shawl that I am going to give away for Christmas. I have the perfect person in mind for it, and I know she'll love it because she loves pink and she's perfect for this type of shawl. Maybe I'll scan the picture and put it up here next time I'm around a scanner.

Well, I might as well end this on that happy note because now I'm feeling much more up lifted and now I want to work on that shawl.